tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
