The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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