If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Everyone says I win the strip club
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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