checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
