i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
