I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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