this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
