OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
