oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
