Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
