just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
