I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
