I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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