There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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