i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
