Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
