If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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