Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
