I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He passed out mid-signature
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
