I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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