i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
