Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
