How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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