Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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