i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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