I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
