do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
