Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
