I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was confusing and full of hummus
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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