My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
