So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
