i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
