im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
