Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
