ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Randomize
