I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
