11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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