Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
