i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
