So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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