I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
