just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
