After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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