based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
God I need to hump something, right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
