my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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