just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
