his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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