There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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