She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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