If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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