I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
