No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
