I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
